Minisode 06 - Guess What I Heard: The Swiss Cheese Pervert

Hey, everybody! Welcome to our discussion on the Swiss Cheese Pervert, a guy with a real fondness for Swiss cheese and being a creep. Join us as we expose all the cheddar, gouda, provolone, Meunster, bleu...all the cheese, on this guy. Literally. Ew.

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION ABOUT FETISHISM AND SEXUAL HARASSMENT. DISCRETION ADVISED.

STOP! INSIDE JOKES AHEAD!

If you haven’t gotten to listen to the episode yet, spoiler alert! This post contains lots of stuff that will make waaay more sense if you listen to the episode before or while reading. So if you haven’t already, pump the brakes and listen to the episode or just click above to play so that you can be in on all the shenanigans to follow!

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Produced by Peter Woodward

Let me tell you a cheesy tale...

In early January 2014 in Philadelphia, PA, police received reports of this random guy driving through neighborhoods and exposing himself to several women. Reportedly, he’d offer them money to perform sexual acts on him with Swiss cheese.

Several women photographed him and caught him on cell phone cameras twice with his pants down and cheese over his wiener. He seemingly liked to take the opportunity specifically at traffic lights to expose himself and proposition them.

Police and media quickly dubbed him “The Swiss Cheese Pervert” and circulated his pictures, asking for the public’s help in apprehending him. After a weeklong manhunt, they found him! He was identified as Christopher Pagano, a 41-year-old married father of one daughter.

He was arrested by the Special Victims Unit (sex crimes unit) at his home January 16, 2014. Pagano was charged with two counts of stalking, two counts of indecent exposure, three counts of harassment, two counts of “open lewdness”. A fourth woman filed charges soon after, which resulted in additional charges.

A History of Perviness...

Apparently, this is far from the first time Pagano has gotten into trouble for his…ahem… sexual proclivities…

In 2006, he was arrested and charged with solicitation and disorderly conduct. According to the officer working the case, cheese was involved in this incident too, and he’s pretty sure it was Swiss.

Later in 2009, Pagano plead guilty to disorderly conduct after he removed a large block of Swiss cheese from his pocket and asked a woman on the street if he could give her $20 to rub it on his penis.

Apparently, he also frequented dating sites like OKCupid asking for cheese-related sex stuff. A quote from him to a woman on one of these sites states “I love the way Swiss cheese feels against my penis…Either as slices of Swiss cheese being wrapped around my penis or a chunk of Swiss cheese being rubbed against my penis.”

Interestingly, he stated he prefers sex with cheese rather than traditional sex and jokes “I am lucky I never became a rapist”.

via GIPHY

Fun Quotes from this winner...

‘I love even more when a woman uses the Swiss cheese to pleasure me. Or simply wraps Swiss cheese slices around my penis and allows me to hang out with her as I wear the cheese.’

‘I tried many different kinds of cheese, like American, Provolone, chez whiz, jack, and cheddar, but settled on Swiss as the best.

‘I was able to wrap and wear a good 1 ½ pounds of Swiss cheese against my penis, and wear the Swiss cheese for hours at a time, before I would climax from just having the Swiss cheese on my penis.’

Fun fact: He doesn’t actually like eating cheese. If he does, it’s only mozzarella, which he says is the one cheese he’s never USED on himself. Pagano also maintains he does not and has never eaten the cheese he used for sexual gratification.

via GIPHY

Since his arrest...

Pagano plead guilty to indecent exposure and harassment. He was sentenced to eight years probation and ordered to undergo sex-offender counseling. Also, the judge banned him from driving anywhere but church, medical appointments, and grocery stores.

True to form, however, Pagano reoffended. He was later jailed for two months after asking woman “I have a fetish when a girl sucks cheese off my dick. Will you do it?”

In 2019 article, he stated he thought his civil rights were violated by the way the media handled his story and him being branded “Swiss Cheese Pervert”. He stated, “I’m a person facing injustice because of how that story just blew up.”

Aww. Poor guy. Must be tough to be a victim subjected to something you cannot control and didn’t ask to have happen to you. How awful.

via GIPHY

As of 2019, more charges of violation of probation were pending.

What's the law?

The guys questioned the particulars on what crime Pagano was committing by soliciting these women for cheesy sex stuff. A Pennsylvania law office article in 2022 states the following about what harassment constitutes.

“He/she acted “with intent to harass, annoy or alarm” another person and engaged in one or more of the following unwanted acts:

Struck, shoved, or kicked the victim, including attempts and threats to do so
Followed a person in or around one or more public places
Communicated with or about another person using obscene or threatening words, language, drawings, or caricatures
Repeatedly and anonymously communicated with the other person
Repeatedly communicated at extremely-inconvenient hours
Engaged in a course of conduct or repeatedly committed acts that serve no legitimate purpose

Harassment is usually charged as a summary offense which carries a $300 fine and up to 90 days in jail if you’re convicted. However, some forms of harassment are third-degree misdemeanors, including the cyber harassment of a child.”

So at a minimum, Pagano harassed these poor, unsuspecting ladies.

We at The Strange Woods Podcast recognize and support the individual’s rights and privacy when it comes to things in areas of sex and intimacy. We take the stance that if you and yours are consenting adults and no one is being violated or hurt, your business is your business. No shaming. How…ev…errrrrr…

You cannot just roll up on women on the street with your weenie out, dude. There are proper channels for finding out if ladies are into your fetishes, and random neighborhood cruising and flashing them at traffic stops is not one of those channels. Just saying.

And now...a little song...

Peter got a truly brilliant rap song generated in an AI app. The lyrics are below, and he actually recorded the song. You can listen to it at the end of the episode!

So feel free to thoroughly enjoy “Swiss Cheese Pervert” by breakout artist Petey Parm at your convenience!

“SWISS CHEESE PERVERT”

Petey Parm

Swiss cheese

Yeah

Let’s do it

Yo, listen up, I got story to tell

‘Bout a dude who got caught in a twisted spell,

They call him Swiss Cheese Pervert, yeah, it’s true

He had a strange obsession, and it’s quite askew.

He’d roll up in his car, windows tinted black,

Spot a lady walkin’ by, then he’d launch his attack

Holdin’ up a slice Swiss, oh, what a sight.

Tryin’ to entice them with his cheesy delight.

(Chorus)

Swiss Cheese Pervert, what’s going through your mind?

Swiss Cheese Pervert, you’re one of a kind.

Creepin’ down the streets with a pocket full of cheese,

But your actions bring everybody to their knees.

But soon enough the ladies had enough,

They started speakin’ up, callin’ his bluff,

They stood together, said “No more cheese, no way!”

They exposed his sick game to the light of day.

We stand united against cheese abuse.

No room for perverts, it’s time to break loose!

Respect for one another, that’s what we demand.

No more Swiss Cheese pervert, get out of our land!

So let this be a lesson to all who dare,

To violate others and cause despair.

We won’t tolerate it, we’ll fight to the end.

Swiss Cheese Pervert, your reign has come to an end.

Swiss Cheese Pervert.

They call him Swiss Cheese Pervert.

Yo, girl. Are you lactose intolerant?

Alrighty. Anybody else craving dairy? Didn’t think so. Thanks so much for joining us. Wow, that guy is a real creep, huh? Yeah. What a piece of work. But we’re truly so glad you stopped by. We appreciate you and thank you for supporting the podcast we love.

Take care of yourselves. As always, remember the takeaways. They are as follows: