Episode 15 – Freaky Fairy Tales
Greetings, guys! Welcome back and come talk about weirdo fairy tales with us. This episode explores the originals...the OGs, as it were. Before they got watered down and filtered into children's movies and cartoons. Before people cared about scarring children mentally with horrific tales. Way way back in the weird. Let's check it out!
STOP! INSIDE JOKES AHEAD! If you haven’t gotten to listen to the episode yet, spoiler alert! This post contains lots of stuff that will make waaay more sense if you listen to the episode before or while reading. So if you haven’t already, pump the brakes and listen to the episode or just click above to play so that you can be in on all the shenanigans to follow!
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Produced by Peter Woodward
LISTENER STORY ALERT!!
Superfan Jeremy is back back back again with another tale! This episode he shows us how the power of a person’s unwavering belief in something can bring on fear, distress, and pain. But we also learn that the power of a person’s belief can be the solution as well.
And also…JOY-MEEE! You’re a demon fighter!
Storytelling is a vital and integral part of human history. From the earliest oral traditions and tales being told person to person all the way to modern tech, mankind has always loved stories for the purposes of education and entertainment.
On this episode, we discuss a popular and widely loved type of story: the fairy tale. Dictionary.com defines a fairy tale as “a children’s story about magical and imaginary beings and lands.” These stories have been used for centuries in child development for assisting in teaching moral lessons to or instilling caution and/or knowledge in kids.
When we think of fairy tales today, we think of happily ever after, Disney songs, animation. But some of these stories didn’t start out so sugary sweet. In fact, most of them had some pretty disturbing elements cut out to make them more palatable. That is, to not emotionally scar the children. Back then, the full intention was to, in fact, EMOTIONALLY SCAR THE HELL OUT OF THE CHILDREN.
Hang on, ya’ll. There’s some doozies up ahead.
For your consideration...Fairy Tales!
THE STORYTELLERS
Charles Perrault is referred to as the “father of fairy tales.” He was an author in France from the end of the 17th to 18th century and wrote Histoires ou contes du temps passé (1697), a collection of fairy stories intended for children. He tended toward romantic stories, for example Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and Beauty and the Beast.
Hans Christian Anderson was a 19th century Danish author credited with 156 stories. His tales often poked fun at vanity. He wrote Fairy Tales Told for Children. First Collection. (1834) and is responsible for some of our most beloved stories like The Little Mermaid, Princess and the Pea, Ugly Duckling, and Thumbelina.
The Brothers Grimm were two German gentlemen that collected folktales from German residents in the early 19th century and compiled them into a volume of fairy tales. Their first collection was Children’s and Household Tales (1812). They are credited with stories like Snow White, Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel, The Frog Prince, and Rapunzel and many more: over 200 stories!
THE STORIES
Cinderella
We all know the story of Cinderella as told by Disney: the poor orphan girl raised by evil stepmother and catering to evil stepsisters who uses a wish from a fairy godmother to go to a royal ball and meet a prince. She loses her glass slipper on the way out, and the prince searches the entire kingdom trying the shoe on every maiden until he finds her, and they live happily ever after. Ta-da.
In the original, though, some creepy stuff goes on. The stepsisters are so desperate to fit the glass slipper so the prince will marry one of them that they hack off pieces of their own feet to be able to put it on. One of them cuts off her toes and the other her heel. Ugh. Apparently the blood gave it away.
Additionally, along with the happily ever after, the eyes of the stepsisters are pecked out by doves. Yikes. Freakin birds, man. Can’t trust those guys.
And they pooed in Jeremy’s mom’s hair. And just all over that pigeon lady in Home Alone 2 as well. Uncool.
The Frog Prince
We know the deal in the story we grew up with: the princess will kiss the cursed frog, he turns into a handsome prince, they get married, and all is well. So who’d have thought the original version of the Frog Prince was a total creeper? Well, he was. He follows her home and just gets closer and closer and closer to her in her bed despite her protests. Hey, frog…no means no. Gross.
In one version, there was even a discussion of her sleeping with him for one night to break the spell. You know…like sleeping with him…like…
And she was not quite the gentle, demur princess you’d think: she had a temper. In the original tales, she either chucks him against the wall or cuts his head off. Either way, it somehow breaks the spell, and he transforms back into a prince. Whaaaaa…okay.
Little Red Riding Hood
In Little Red Riding Hood–the family-friendly version–Red goes to visit her grandmother who, unbeknownst to her, has been eaten by the Big Bad Wolf who is now dressed in grandma’s clothes and waiting to do the same to Red. Red shows up and slowly realizes this is not grandma, but gets eaten alive. Luckily, a huntsman tracking the wolf comes in just in time, kills the wolf, and frees Red and Grandma from his belly.
Not so in the old tale.
Again…gross.
Rapunzel
Rapunzel was a witch’s captive in a tower whose long hair was used to allow a prince to climb up to her and visit. Disney said the witch got mad and cut her hair, tried to fool the prince and kill him, but failed, and he ends up rescuing her and they live happily…lalala.
No. Not in this OG freaky fairy tale. In this one, these were conjugal visits and Rapunzel gets pregnant. When she, who knows nothing about that kind of thing, innocently tells the witch that her clothes are fitting too tight, the witch figures it out, hacks off Rapunzel’s hair, and magically transports her to another town. She lives there as a penniless beggar, starving…and then has the baby, who is also starving. Meanwhile, the witch kept the hair, throws it down when the prince shows up again for him to climb on up, then pushes him out the window when he reaches her. He falls into thorny bushes that impale his eyes, leaving him bloody and blind.
Hansel and Gretel
Hansel and Gretel are lost in the woods and find a candy house owned by a witch who attempts to fatten them up and eat them. They trick her and push her into her own oven then escape home. But in this crazy original version, the house is owned by the devil and his wife. The devil wants to bleed the children out on a sawhorse, which they pretend not to know how to mount. The devil’s wife demonstrates and the children slit HER throat, steal the devil’s money, and run away.
The Little Mermaid
Ariel, a mermaid princess of Atlantica, falls in love with a human prince, goes to a sea witch and trades her voice for the ability to walk on land and find him. She has to get him to fall in love with her and kiss her before the sunset in three days after which she will become human permanently; but if she doesn’t, she turns back into a mermaid and belongs to the sea witch. Easy enough. And despite the sea witch’s best efforts at sabotage, it all works out…in Disney’s version.
What goes wrong in the original? Oh, just that the catch about having legs is that every single footstep is absolute agony, like walking on sharp swords. Also the prince falls in love with someone else. The little mermaid attempts to win his heart through dancing–remember agony with each step?–and it does not work. She is then given a dagger by her mer-sisters and told that if she kills him and walks around in his little blood puddle, it will break the spell…but she can’t bring herself to do it. So she dies and turns into sea foam. You know… that stinky stuff on the edge of the tide? Yeah.
Snow White
According to Disney: Snow White runs from her wicked queen sorceress stepmother who wants her dead because she is jealous of Snow’s beauty. Snow finds and hides out at the house of the seven dwarves. The evil queen finds her and, disguised as an old woman, gives her a poisoned apple, which kills her when she eats it. At her funeral, a prince who has been looking for Snow finds her there and wakes her with a kiss.
But not before her mom is put in iron shoes that have been in the fire at the wedding and is literally forced to dance until she drops dead.
Sleeping Beauty
The Ugly Duckling
Pinocchio
Remember Pinocchio’s conscience? Jiminy Cricket. Yeah. He murders that guy like almost immediately in the original version: throws a hammer at him and smooshes him to death. Pinocchio was a holy terror in the first story. He’s very violent, disobedient, dishonest, and mean. He runs away and is caught, and feet are burned off as punishment. He also gets caught stealing and is hanged at the end. His last words are calling out for his father.
Chicken Little
Pied Piper
The pied piper is hired to play his hypnotic flute to lure all the rats out of a miserable town. He delivers! But they refuse to pay him. In the original story, he comes back and lures their children into a nearby river, drowning them all as punishment for the debt. In some versions, he makes the kids join the army and fight in the Crusades. Either way, the townspeople never see their children again. Moral of the story: pay your bills, bruh. Also don’t trust a guy who plays the flute. Ever.
Other stuff we discussed...
Spring-loaded gas cans are over-engineered. Boycott.
Side project: Let’s make an air freshener!
Some super smart animals...that may or may not be aliens
FUN FACTS!
–Orcas have been found to be as intelligent as 15-16 year old humans.
–Octopuses are as intelligent as a 3 year old child.
–Crows use tools to solve complex problems and remember human faces and sounds for years.
–Ravens are one of the smartest birds in the world. Their intelligence is compared to that of dolphins and chimpanzees. They remember how people treat them and can plan for the future.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: DO NOT LICK TOADS
Just…guys…come on. Don’t do that. It’s unsafe for you, it’s real gross, and the toad will turn back into a real dude and then you have to try to beat a murder rap. Who needs that kind of aggravation in their life? Amirite?
Here’s the page Peter referenced in the episode, “Frogs that Get You High: The Dangers of Toad Licking.” It’s actually put out by a rehab center:
Incredible. Amazing.
Let’s finish with some of the truth bombs and inspirational thoughts from this episode!
Dead mermaid corpses are how you get sea foam. That’s science. Boom.
If you lie, you will get eaten by a whale. So just tell the truth, k?
Bubble wrap is better than pop-its. It just is. Again…science.
Aesop is not on Twitter. But he should be. The tortoise and the hare agree.
And for your inspiration and information:
We’re swans now, bitches. Swans.
Another one down! Thanks so much for stopping by, guys. And remember, life can be tough. Hard times happen and storms will inevitably come your way. But when they do, remember what Jonathan told us.
Be a big brave dog like a buffalo, not a little chicken like a cow. Or something like that. And don’t forget to stay strange! Bye!
Some articles and sources:
Peter’s wife. Registered nurse. Uber-fan of The Strange Woods Podcast.
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