Minisode 08- Rap Battle of the Cryptids! Black Annis vs Spearfinger

Hey, everybody! Welcome to Battle of the Cryptids 2.0: the rap battle! That's right...a rap battle. Our contenders today will be Black Annis and Spearfinger: two legendary witches with lots of lyrics to spit. So let's get into it! Help us figure out which witch is top b****.

STOP! INSIDE JOKES AHEAD! If you haven’t gotten to listen to the episode yet, spoiler alert! This post contains lots of stuff that will make waaay more sense if you listen to the episode before or while reading. So if you haven’t already, pump the brakes and listen to the episode or just click above to play so that you can be in on all the shenanigans to follow!

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Produced by Peter Woodward

LET'S MEET THE LADIES...

Black Annis

Stats:

Origin: England; aka Black Agnes, Black Anna; dates back to 1700s

Size: varies, humanoid or giant black forest cat

Description: female witch; skin is pale blue; tall; glowing eyes; iron talons; horrible howl and grinding teeth heard for miles

Abilities: shapeshifter (cat), sharp claws, enhanced sense of smell, skinning

Lore: Many possible origin stories but the two most popular are:

1) She was a real woman that was hated by her townspeople and though to be a witch, vs
2) She is the incarnation of the ancient “mother goddess” of Europe that was the ‘devourer of children’.

– She is a boogeywoman/witch with a taste for humans, especially misbehaving children
-She lives in a dark cave with an old oak tree marking the entrance where she hides and waits to attack
-She skins children, hangs the skin out to dry, sews it into a child skirt, and scatters their bones. She will also eat sheep.
– When she howls and grinds teeth, can be heard for miles giving people time to bolt windows, hang protective herbs and stay away from windows so she cant reach them with her long arms.
-Protective herbs and avoiding capture are the only ways to defeat her.

Spearfinger

Stats:

Origin: TN, NC, US; Cherokee legend from 1700s

Size: varied humanoid based on shape-shifting to different people

Description: old woman with stone-like skin; right index finger is long and sharp

Abilities: shape-shifting, deception, stone skin, control of stone, strength

Lore: Indigenous story of the Cherokee Nation
-She is a stone-skinned, witch-like creature who has a long, sharp spear for a right index finger.
-She is said to prowl the forests and mountainsides of the Great Smoky Mountains at night.
-She hunts specifically for the livers of animals and humans.
-Blood stains her mouth.
-It sounds like thunder when she walks because of her stone skin.
-Her voice echoes to the mountains, scaring away birds.
-She likes to prey on Cherokee children, often appearing to them as a wise old woman or the child’s family members, but then turning into a monster as soon as the children got close to her.
-She can only change form when she’s out of sight.
-Her heart is hidden in her right palm, and you can only kill her by destroying her heart.

The Battle

Peter: Hey, ladies.
Black Annis: Hiii…

Spearfinger: Hiii…

Petey: Yeah…Black Annis vs Spearfinger. Ready?

(Oh, a battle? [scoff] Hardly. Eyes on me, luv. )

I been around since the 18th century

All the villagers know not to eff with me

They call me Black Annis, Black Annie if you’re O-K

Scariest witchiest bitch up in the UK.

Grindin’ my teef, I make the little ones scatter

Hear me howl and your bowels will make a little splatter

Iron claws on my paws will make your teeth chatter

Original boogeywoman, oh no what’s the matter?

My skin is blue, I’m coming through

I’ll make lovely little garment out of you

Perhaps a nice little skin skirt out of your hide

Then lay all your bones out side by side (by side, by side, by side)

(My turn. The Hills have eyes? Nope. They got me! [cackle])

You can hear me comin’ cuz I rattle the ground

Stone skin, 10 outta 10, pound for pound

Spearfinger right here with my heart in my hand

Ima nightmare who can ensnare anyone, yes I can

Been spookin’ in the Smokeys since the 18th century

Shape-shiftin’, face-liftin’ , lookin’ like your granny

Roamin’ forests in the night, lookin’ for a good murder

Scoopin’ up those little kids like I’m a goat herder

Blood-stained lip, sharp fingertip, a Cherokee legend

My voice is a sonic boom sendin’ you over the edge and

I’ll only tell you once and I’m not gon’ say it twice

I’ll make you shiver, eat your liver while I give you a slice!

Who do you think you are, you Southern-fried skag?

Keep calm and jog on, I’m the original boo hag

Come hang by my tree, I’ll hang your hide out to dry

Bind you and entwine you with my big glowing eyes

I lurk and I werk, and I live undefeated

I’ll stitch your face into a rug, then take it out and beat it

Oh, I don’t think we’ve met, hun, but hey howeru?

Let me fill you in on exactly what I do.

I bring the pain, the dread, and the mother-friggin spear

I’ll chuck your pampered British butt back to Bedfordshire!

They can kill you with herbs so you ain’t all that tough

I could take you out, Dumbledork, in one Hufflepuff

I’m revered and feared by the whole First Nation

I am the legend that’s lasted generations

You bumpkin bitch, you forget, I have iron claws

And I’ll smash your little “legend” right between these jaws

Skin made of stone, luv, you need a bloody facial

Then I’ll cook up YOUR liver with just a pinch of basil

Scatter all your bones and wear your skin out to dinner

Bad luck, old girl, but I’m clearly the winner

Hun, you’re obsessed with those skin skirts and I don’t really know why

Cuz you’re a pretty shitty seamstress, at least to my eye

Maybe you should go sit down and have a cuppa tea

‘Cuz you clearly met your match when you thought you’d come for me

You’re just an ugly ol’ cave troll with nothin’ else to do

Now be gone, wicked witch, ‘fore I drop this mic on you!

The winner...

via GIPHY

So after hearing all the stats on our contenders and listening to the rap battle…Jeremy and Jonathan could not decide who won. So we’re going to leave it up to ALL OF YOU!

The poll will be posted as soon as the episode goes live and we want to know…WHO WON?

The winner will be posted below as an update once all the votes are in!

via GIPHY

THEORIES ON WHAT THEY ACTUALLY COULD BE?

Cautionary tales...

The general consensus is that these two ladies are both cautionary tales used by parents to keep kids from misbehaving. However, their legends have endured for centuries now, so…

Jonathan even gave us a story about someone in recent years who claimed to witness Spearfinger herself. Hmm…

What else did we discuss?

So we learned a few things in this minisode. Let’s review.

1) Bad kids must taste better than well-behaved kids. The flavor is better and they are apparently less mushy.

via GIPHY

2)Black Annis is not…repeat…is NOT the witch from Hansel and Gretel.

3)In lieu of children, Black Annis will accept a good sheep. We don’t sew, but maybe a wool skirt is just as fun to make as a skin skirt…? (shrug)

via GIPHY

4) Spearfinger may, in fact, be eating livers because they are like “Gushers made of toxins“. Gross. Kinda like…jello shots. Ugh.

via GIPHY

5) Liver tissue CAN, in fact, regenerate…like a lizard tail. Apparently up to 70% of the liver can be removed and 90% of that will be regenerated within 6-8 weeks! Um…wow. Spearfinger really could use some education on managing resources. Good call, Jeremy.